I had a conversation yesterday that made me feel anxious to be a part of, I didn’t realize why until I thought about how my initial choice had given pregnant pauses to many other choices I could have been a participant of – if, only I had of noticed!
A choice to be involved is one thing, a choice to negotiate in which that involvement could look like … is another.
I am talking about being involved with the Courier Mail and an interview that came through various links until it panned out as an image being taken with the Minister of Mental Health, Disabilities and Aboriginal Torres Strait Islander partnerships yesterday.
It’s not like I can say, oh, I had a broken leg. It’s about more than the external stuff; it’s more about the internal stuff that isn’t seen – so how might it be heard?Talking about post-natal depression and how it is to become “why” it was ….. certainly wasn’t about – why did it happen to me? but more about, it DID happen to me and what did I learn from the experience?
Kind of a weird conundrum when most things can be described because of the old adage – seeing is believing – sort of knocks the poop out of someone because how do you do that when thoughts don’t come dressed as a broken limb? I had a broken head instead.
Well, it starts here. Having the courage to talk about “how having severe post natal depression” changed me? Well, actually it made me recognize that I was living in denial for a start. I had this really beefed up confidence that I could manage a baby and manage myself. Boy, how manic– I had been living the ideology that all my thoughts would actually support me when the baby arrived. Little did I realize (at the time) that all those thoughts were infact my mind trying to prepare myself for the future – (what a slap in the face)! … I couldn’t live in the past, preparing for the future whilst trying to appreciate now.
The possible story running in the Sunday Courier Mail 9th October 2011 for Mental Health Week 2011, will link social media and post-natal-depression. Why? … because my life was significantly changed when I was diagnosed with PND, no-one really had the time to lend an ear – they had their own lives, their own issues and their own journey – and I had to find the catalyst to explore mine. So I started sharing conversation online with ICQ, an instant messenger application, (long before Yahoo & Facebook were around). It was comforting, because people had the time … and they were in the same space I was in. An evolving space of trust, fear, ideas and technology.
No tone, no sound, no volume, no intonation, no physical energy to collide with – just text-on-screen.