Butt-Out and Nic-Off

I am giving my friend hell! he is trying to offer help to me and I don’t need it! I just need the company of him around whilst I get myself off my Nicotine Dependence. My kids hate me smoking. So they should. Guilt.

This is my expression page – whereby I am going to put what I feel at the moment when I want a cigarette. I will post an entry and force myself to confront myself about my dependence. They say fill your time with something else – okay – then this be it.

Day 1

Wake-up. I am over this crap. I got a mail yesterday and within the mail I got a nice little reminder stating “we don’t smoke here anymore”.

Day 2

Wake-up. Put a patch on.

Recalling events of when I started smoking come flooding into my consciousness like an unwanted pop-up screen on a monitor.

I remember being confused about why I was never told the truth about anything much as a child. Always being told “don’t worry” “don’t do that” “don’t try that – you might break it” – or “no” you cannot do that or “no” that won’t work.

My girlfriend called me at home and asked me to come down to her house. “Okay” – I left home no-one really bothered too much about why I was leaving the house at night when I was only about 13 years of age.

Upon arriving at my friends house she told me “I have managed to get some cigarettes from my parents, do you want to smoke?”.

I thought to myself – what do I have to loose, who cares anyway what I do. Whatever I do will be wrong anyway – so what the hell I may as well.

Vividly I recall lying on the grass under the stars gazing at the void space above my head. I lit the cigarette, inhaled and all of a sudden my inner-void appeared light and gentle. No heaviness of whatever it was that obviously consumed my inner-self. I continued on. Smoking one after the other until they were none left. I felt like I was achieving something, on my own that gave me an exhilarated feeling of peace. News Flash

Day 3

I could scratch the blackboard all day at the moment. Get over it. It feels like a momentary cloud of fog that is fogging my awareness. I cannot hear the words my children are saying I cannot hear myself think. Bugger that. Stop it. Do something constructive. Here I am! Hello! Okay so I am focussed again. Writing my thoughts – allowed! Does anyone else feel like this?

Day 4

I woke up starving, nothing unusual in that. I came downstairs and got my daughter the apply my “morning patch”. Oh My God! I have had the patch on for just over an hour and I can no longer bear the pain on my skin. It feels like the aftermath of a bull ant sting. You know when after the ant has stung the itching starts and you just want to scratch your skin off.

Last night I went to the Pharmacy to purchase another pack of the brand I started on using. They were out of it. So I asked for the equivalent in another brand. I have been smoking over 10 cigarettes per day so I require Stage 1. My skin is red  and irritated. I know for sure that I do not have sensitive skin as the previous brand I initially started on never gave me this reaction. I am thinking if I had to now go to the Doctor about this (as suggested on the pack) that is reason enough to light up before I go! and yes -I have got cigarettes in the house.

Just as well I know this information and realise the brand is the issue – not the patch. I am so annoyed – my back is red and irritated and I want a smoke! butt I am not going to. Bugger it. I will do something constructive!

Not only have I spent $36.95 my boyfriend now has to go and get me the previous brand and pay again. I am staying at home – trying to keep calm until I get another patch on! Quit Smoking – not! easy.

13:46. I have got mad, sat outside alone and cried. I told everyone I was going for a shower. I put my radio full blast. Update. I had an idea in the shower. So here it is.

so much for clear patches. I look likeI have been snowed upon. Who cares. It isn’t burning me with the pain of irritation.

Day ?

Okay. Woke again. It’s Monday – school. Jump out of bed and get patched. Sigh. Bum! crap – it’s stinging again. Reached for the stingose and sprayed it all over. Okay, so I can move ahead. Yay – thank god!.

The Radio station which I listen to gave me the best idea whilst I was preparing breakfast for the family. MUSIC, they played my favourite dance song and I just danced the whole way through it! call me silly – I don’t care! I was happy and smoke free. Now I have two vices when I want a smoke! – I have here where I can rant and rave and say what I want … and – I can put my favourite music on and dance! – I had better take care of all the open window panes before though! … otherwise the neighbours might think I have lost a bolt – coz I am no nut. Anyway – time to move on – thank you – now I am going to hang out the washing. Another thing I heard on the radio – be careful who you hang out with – don’t hang out with fools because they will hang you too! – true! – not the exact words they used – but hey man I got the message.

Another Day

I don’t really care what day it is. I haven’t had a smoke this morning. I am kinda over counting the days that pass by that I haven’t had a smoke. I am also over all the campaigns that state “stop smoking” it kills you – it damages your lungs – it damages this and that – you will save money – think of how much better you will feel. That has never cut the mustard or coined any emotional response for me that would make me want to quit.

I have felt guilty when people have had a go at me. Then I think “that’s not fair – they don’t have any right to judge me” not once has anyone ever asked me “what made you decide to smoke” – no! never. Not until I had a dream that seemed like a video playing in my head one night. I woke up and everything seemed to make soooooo much more sense to me. How come no-one had ever asked me why do you smoke? What are the reasons for you to smoke? – I had to get the video broadcast through my sleep.

It’s no use trying to make people feel guilty for smoking. That is no answer either. That is not right in my book.

I talked to my beautiful friend this morning. We both agreed that anti-smoking campaigns are like an annoyance – you don’t belong in society if you smoke – because now you can’t smoke here and you cannot smoke there. That is just a pain in the bum to us smokers. It doesn’t do anything other than label us with some type of disease. What about the dis- Ease we feel within ourselves? Smoking is a smoke-screen for the reality of what lies beneath in the endless embers that are emotionally dormant.

It is these embers which make us burn those cigarettes. We understand everyone is trying to help – but some methods do not suit everyone. Like myself – now that I understand why I started smoking. It is the knowing of my previous dis-association with the truth of what “really” lay smouldering deep below the surface.

Wow – I feel better now! Funny – isn’t that Medibank slogan? Anyway. A suggestion would be for companies that are “trying” to help us give up would be to “act” and issue pharmacies with “test” patches – initially. Stop trying and act. Offer consumers some choice in hope. Don’t just hope to make money yourselves!. The consumer must be given choice to identify the brand that suits them. Empowerment does catch on! Wouldn’t it be good if Medicare subsidised smoking patches?

If I went by instruction I would have gone to the doctor which would have cost me $30/$40 just for him to tell me to try another brand – or offer me a referral to a skin specialist. That is all so unnecessary and would make “me” feel like I “really” have got something wrong with me. And there is the financial cost of the inappropriate purchase. It just adds up to confusion.

I spent – $37.00 unnecessarily on a brand that hurt the hell out of me. My boyfriend went to 5 pharmacies to locate the one that didn’t harm/hurt my skin. No fortune. Fortunately I discovered a helpful aid of comfort – stingose. But then what is the point of having a clear patch when you look like you have been snowed upon? Okay – alright for those whom live in a location where warm clothes are necessary. I live in Queensland – it’s hot man! How do I hide it?

My everso patient boyfriend sourced me some of the patches that I used initially. I still have to “put-up-with” the ones I purchased the other night. Otherwise it is just a waste.

The funny thing is my 6yr old daughter – when asked at school yesterday – how is mummy – replied “be careful of Mummy she isn’t smoking”. Aint that the truth!

Okay so I am off to tuckshop duty. I am over Pain! logging out of a different “Pane”. Look beyond the pain and through the window pane – it’s alot clearer- don’t be stuck in the frame!.

It’s been 12 Days …

No. The days are not easy. The moments are that by that. Each day goes by I find different things to occupy and inform myself with. Today I found this video.

It is the 26th of November 2007

I went out on Saturday night. I went to a pub! – of all places – if I go out I usually go to a dance club. But this night was a dinner for all volunteers at our local primary school. It was really nice. I went along with a Mum I know. She smokes. This was my first “out-night” without my friendly smoking gun – so it was an interesting learning curve. I felt nervous prior to going out – I didn’t know what to wear, I don’t do fashion at all – so therefore choosing clothes for “outside” is rather irritating! – plus, I couldn’t have a smoke to ease the discomfort of my unknowing of what to put on! anyway – she did it! yay, with the help of my mate he told me what to put on, thanking god – I was true!

I seemed okay once out. I didn’t have any “cravings” for a cigarette. My friend asked me if I wanted one – I declined. However, I told her I was okay going outside with her for company when she wanted a smoke. It didn’t bother me.

The music at the “pub” was a little boring for me. Strange, after dinner was done I was quite “bored” – I don’t think I have ever felt that way … anyway, no-one wanted to move onto any dance club so I had to put my dancing feet away and go home! – that was okay, my girlfriend had a headache.

Yesterday, I felt lost without my smokes – I forgot to put a patch on! silly me! anyway … it’s another day … yay

My kids are proud of me and so is my best friend. I don’t know about myself as I am just doing what I can … keeping it simple.

I am adding to this page. It is February the 4th, 2008. I have not smoked since the beginning of this page. Today is Cancer Day. For the first time I feel something – not guilty because I don’t puff anymore. My kids are happy. I am free from the burden of the ghost that made me light-up and give breath to puffing my deamons

delight.

I don’t experience new tastes! I experience a new life without the blurr of being tard’ with the karma of the past – no longer am I a mocking punishment of myself. Free spirit. For those who come here and read this – everything is possible with inner-strength. Don’t listen to anyone else but yourself – you are the one that goes everywhere with yourself.

Don’t ease yourself on someone else’s shortfalls making your life appear better. Empower them and raise yourself. Happy days. Oh! and do I save money? nope … I am on a diet now!

I shared the words from Portia Nelson – There is a hole in my sidewalk. Destination: Lose Weight: Star Date: September 1, 2008 I have lost 1.5kgs!!! yay … more on this when I am in a lighter mood!!! ha ha ha … get it … yea all right … later.

UPDATE

October 19 October, 2008

I haven’t smoked today.  I have lost 3.5kgs and I am now involved in The Prince Charles Consumer & Carer Advisory Group.  I notice that every time I am faced with a challenge I used to “light up” now I face-up and then light-up from within and project to out there with what I must do.  Be a living example of what I have experienced in life.  I continue to observe detachment to what was attachment a year ago, next month!.  I can only help myself and then if I do a decent job of it then it is wise to share the information.  Thank you for sticking with myself and NOT sticking my lips to a cigarette.